You know, every year people approach me, hoping to find out how I became so funny. Actually, it's mostly just Flavin asking, and he usually follows it up with "and will this help me score the hot chicks?" Unfortunately, the answer to the first question is that becoming funny is not unlike being a master of a martial art -- it requires years of disciplined training, self-improvement, and breaking cinderblocks with your head, and the answer to the second question is "no." The technique you're looking for is the related field of lying your ass off.

One of the things that many people don't seem to understand about my funny production, however, is that each and every joke goes through a long series of checks, balances, and refinements before it can be passed on to the general public. This process was developed for the purpose of not getting beat up and getting kicked out of class, and I find it works about as well as most commercial ADHD-treating drugs, and you don't wet the bed without any of the side effects!

 

In any event, every time I think of something funny, I write it down. Here's some ideas that "just didn't make it."